Thursday, October 12, 2017

Out of Control

Happy Fall,

I'm choosing to be happy in spite of breast cancer and difficult circumstances! You can choose to be happy, too! Grab all the joy you can from the season!

I have a Doxie mix. Mama was Dachshund, papa was a ramblin' man.
She's got the Doxie attitude though. She's been a little rascal to train.
Who am I kidding? We didn't train her, she trained us! We've just come to
an understanding. ~grin~
She's three now. When she was six months old, the only reason I kept her is because I knew someone would tie her up to a tree and leave her there. This mama's heart couldn't let that happen. So we kept her.

We finally began to bond over vegetables. I gave her some little pieces of veggies one day while cutting up a salad. She loves veggies, and she's come to love me...sort of...while I'm cutting up veggies or deboning chicken. ~smile~  After all this time, I enjoy her company. While she's not really an affectionate dog, she does show "love" in her own ways. She's not the cake I wanted, but she's a good cake. Thanks Sonya for that phrase. ~smile~


It kind of reminds me of the people in our lives. We imagine what we think our husband, our children and our friends will be like. We try to plan out our futures. We try to control everything and everyone to make them conform to our hopes, dreams, and plans. The problem is, each person has their own personality, their own hopes, dreams and plans. And they're probably not our hopes, dreams, and plans. Everyone wants to be in control. That doesn't work so well.

Nothing in this cancer journey has been what I imagined what it would be like. It's been easier in some ways; it's been harder in some ways. I've been surprised at some of the people who have prayed, encouraged, and helped me; and, I've been surprised at some of the people that I thought would help me through who seem to have checked out for whatever reason. It's all made me feel so blessed and so sad by turns.

One thing I'm learning is that I really don't have as much control as I once thought I did. I had one date in October that I did not want to have surgery. That's the date the surgeon scheduled for me. My surgery is the 20th. My daughter, Emily, will perform in public for the first time the next day at the Maple Leaf Festival. I'll still be in the hospital. That made me cry for awhile on the way home from the doctor's office.


I don't control my times for appointments, surgery, IV infusions, or radiation. I cannot control my family's behavior. Sometimes I feel like I can't even control my own behavior! But God. He's teaching me through this. What? I'm not totally sure yet, but I think trust is one thing. I have to learn to trust Him to take care of me when I cannot take care of myself. I have to trust that He will bring the right people to help me at the right times. It's hard.

As moms, we have to control so much, especially when are kids are young. Now I'm learning how to be out of control, and I'm not liking it one bit. ~smile~ The song Learning to Lean on Jesus just came to mind.

I'll leave you for now with a request that you will pray for all the people involved in my surgery on the 20th and my hospital stay. You've all been so good to pray for me through all this. I receive so many encouraging comments and notes.

May God bless you richly as you draw close to Him!

Laura





46 comments:

  1. You are just so lovely, Laura...and I had to giggle over your title, 'Out of Control"...funny...I was just sitting here thinking how much out of control I am at the moment...my attitude needs a major realignment...smiles

    I am keeping you in prayer for surgery, been there, done that...listen to the dr. and your caregivers, friend. My surgery is scheduled for the 31st...I am so ready for change. Period. No pun intended, LOLOL.

    Thank you for the many smiles.

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    1. You make me smile, too. I still remember fondly your advice and encouragement when my Emily was struggling with college math!
      I shall put your surgery on my calendar to pray. Be blessed and trust my dear. This too shall pass.
      About your change...maybe not intended, but very very punny.

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  2. The Lord is speaking. I have been pondering this about "control" and "surrender" over the last few days. Thanks for sharing. Praying for you!

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  3. I bet you come through this just fine, Laura. I like your outlook.

    Praying...and thinking of you...as a Mom too, my heart breaks for you with all of this, but as a daughter of the King I am not afraid for you...that’s weird, but it is what it is.

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  4. This post hits home for me too. When my husband died 3 years ago I found out many of the things you address here. I am no longer in control. But I'm still trying to be. And it just makes life harder. I am raising a granddaughter (she's 17) and she reminds me how little control I have. I will be praying for all come the 20th!

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    1. That would be hard, Paula. God give you grace in Jesus' name.

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  5. Laura,
    This journey, I can only imagine...has been so very difficult. As you said so well.. We want everything to be planned and approved. And when life throws us a curve ball.. Boy.......is that hard.
    Through this cancer battle of yours..You have encouraged me so much.. Seeing God work through your life, and your total trust and commitment to Him, is such an encouragement. Thank you.
    I pray for you but on the 20th, I will say an extra prayer or two.. You will not only be on my mind that day... but in my prayers too.
    I know , through God, you will be ok..Praying He will help you through the surgery and then the radiation.. Just waiting and praying for the "all clear".. God is good.........It is coming..
    Hugs my friend.

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    1. Yes, God is good, and I will get the all clear one day. Your prayers are truly appreciated. I began a "blank book" shortly after diagnosis, but I find that most of my thoughts are ending up on the blog or in notes I send to dear ones like you. God is so good. He isn't worried about all this. I need to just trust more.
      Be blessed,
      Laura

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  6. I can sense an upbeat and positive attitude in this post. I will be praying for your upcoming surgery!

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    1. Thank you, Barbie. I'm trying to be positive!

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  7. Laura, I'm one of those control freaks that goes into an absolute tizzy at times. But, in my old age ha ha, I've gotten mellower. I've learned that I probably have very little control and it's an illusion!! At least with the really big stuff. While I still work myself into a tizzy, I find that I settle down quicker, take some deep breaths and mumble my favorite..."Be still and know that I am God...."

    I love your doggie!! I had a little Doxie mutt in my 20's & 30's. Oh, how I cried when I lost her to heart failure when she was 15. Besides my hubs & I, she was the first one to know we were engaged, as she was right there zipped up inside my (now) husband's jacket with her little head sticking out. We took a day trip to the mountains in Jan.

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    1. Oh, what a sweet memory Debby. I'm glad you shared it with me.

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  8. Beautiful photo... Huggs Laura. If you ever need to talk I can send you my cell number

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  9. Dear Laura, here I meant to visit to offer prayers and encouragement... Instead I found encouragement here from you! Thank you :) May God bless you with a healing and wisdom for the doctors and comfort and strength for your loved ones...

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    1. You are so sweet Jes. I'm only sharing my brokenness. ~smile~ Thank you Jesus we know who can fix that brokenness.

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  10. I have the 20th on my calendar and will cover you in prayer that day and before as well. Thank you for describing your feelings so well. I can relate to all you said. The vulnerability I experienced these past six weeks really help me understand that loss of control. Thankful for your beautiful attitude. You help me and I'm sure others more than you know. May you feel His peace as you trust Him in greater measure these days! Hugs to you, Laura.

    Mary

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    1. You are so very sweet. I've met the kindest people here at the blog. You have encouraged me so much. God bless!

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  11. Your outlook is so inspirational!
    I adore you, my friend.
    And I will be praying.
    Hugs!

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    1. Your encouragement makes my day! I adore you, too. Wish we lived close.
      Hugs,
      Laura

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  12. Laura, I am praying for you, and I will be praying on the 20th. Sweet friend, put it all in God's hands. What better hands to put all that we carry, all that we try to control ourselves, in the powerful healing hands. Hands that are powerful, but yet O so gentle, hands that keep us, hands that guide us, hands that mold us, hands we can trust, hands that protect. He will never let anything harm His children. He orders each day, counts every star, and calls them by their name. Laura, He has got this! He knows what to do, let Him work His perfect plan in your life. (Hugs) to you sweet friend.
    Teresa

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement, Teresa. Just what I needed to hear (or read) today!
      Hugs,
      Laura

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  13. what a blessing you are you have such joy! I'll be keeping you in my prayers as always. I love your little dog. I'm glad you kept him. My grandson and I are trying to talk Pop into a dog..I think he would love this breed. Have a blessed day

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    1. Just know when you go into it that Dachshunds have their own minds and they tend to train their humans instead of the other way around! ~grin~
      Hope you get the perfect dog,
      Laura

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  14. It's going to be alright, I just know it!! I'm sorry you will miss your daughter's performance, but hopefully, someone can record it for you! Then you can watch it over and over and over! I just love your cake... I mean, dog. I have two doxies and I know what you mean about their personalities!

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    1. Your comment made me smile. Can't get too many of those...or doxies in my opinion!

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  15. Will continue to pray for you as you continue your cancer journey. Have six nieces who have survived breast cancer (while I myself have survived ovarian for 22 years, which include 3 recurrences). When I am faced with something scary/unknown the phrase "I am with you always" comes into my mind. He IS with you always.

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    1. Thank you so much Joyce. I'm reminded of that song, Oh we're halfway there, oh living on a prayer.
      Don't remember the rest, but I've lived on prayer most of my adult life. ~grin~
      God bless you,
      Laura

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  16. I so much enjoy your blog. Thank you for inspiring me through your blog. I know when I am not in control of my children any longer or my grandchildren I go to God. The best thing I can do for them now is to continue loving them and praying for them. May God bless you and bring you through this time in your life. Love you and praying for you!

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    1. You are too sweet Gla. Your advice is sound and good. Thank you.
      L

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  17. I will be praying along with praying for a young woman who kind of adopted me as a Mama when she was a teen. She is having open heart surgery at age 38. The two of you will be on my heart all day.

    This year has been out of control for us, too but we have come to a place of resting in it, I think. I understand so well. This week we saw our daughter's family off to the mission field. They cannot come home on furlow until 7/2022 and travel is not doable for my husband so it will be almost 5 years. We do not have any local family now. But our God is our family and many who love us so we will be okay, I think.

    Love to you and yours. I know they will take awesome care of you as you recover. Please give us an I am okay update when you are able.

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    1. God bless your daughter. Father God, I thank you for being Jehovah Rapha our healer. Lord this young lady needs your intervention. Father I ask for steady hands for the doctor, skill for all the medical staff, wisdom, and complete and full healing and protection. I plead the blood of Jesus over her. I have faith for her healing. God bless her, help her family and friends help her, and help her pay the bills. I ask it all in the name of Jesus Christ the son of the Most High God. Amen.

      Lana, that is such a long time before you can see your daughter and her family. I do hope you are able to call and use SKYPE as well as write. God grant protection to them in Jesus' name.

      I know you'll find solace in your friends and in God himself, but don't feel badly if you shed some tears. God bless you!

      Laura

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  18. You will all be in my prayers! Hugs,

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  19. Laura you are in my daily prayers and thoughts.
    Marion

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  20. Love your Doxie mix dog! Our first grand was a Dachshund named Tex - many years ago! We are now blessed with six grandkids, ages 18-4.

    Fully understand about the amazement of who comes along-side and who doesn't at our times of need. God is so good to have those who surprise us and walk through hard places with us.
    Praying for you and all who will care for you! Blessins . . .

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  21. Dear friend, you are so often in my prayers and on my mind. Wish I could help you more through this. God bless you and hold you ever close to His heart.

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    1. Thank you dear. May God comfort and encourage your family.

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  22. New reader here...I will be with you in prayer on the 20th while you are having surgery. Your faith and positive nature are an inspiration to me. Loved your stories about your dog. I'm a dog lover and I have also tried to teach my Sr. adopted dogs tricks...no go. However, when I gave them a taste of my food from the table they have continued to sit by my side from that day forward. :) May you feel God's presence and comfort as you go through your surgery and healing. Diane

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    1. Diane, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your comment and prayers. I hope we'll be good friends!
      Laura

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  23. Being out of control... That is such a hard lesson to learn for all of us! Especially as a mother as you said where we have to manage so many details of our children's lives and then to have to relinquish control once they get older is very difficult. It is true that many people don't know how or what to do in certain situations that are very difficult to deal with and so many times they just back away which is really sad. I'm so thankful for the people that have been involved in your life and that have been a blessing to you and I pray that the meal train provides enough meals to keep your family fed for the entire course of your recovery. My family was blessed during my surgery to have meals come in that fed us for a week! It makes you so thankful for the family of God that comes together during your times of need to help. I will be remembering you in prayer throughout the day of your surgery. You are not alone but you have the Great PHYSICIAN who is involved in every aspect of your care and I believe all will be well in Jesus name!

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    1. Thank you so much, Marilyn. You encourage me so much.

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  24. I’m thinking of you and praying over you always, Laura. I’m sorry that I’ve not been there for you as much as I’d like to be. Have had a full plate and some battles of my own going on. Amber and I are looking forward to seeing you Thursday. God bless you, Friend! I love you!

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Hello! I love it when y'all talk back!

I read all the comments I receive. I answer as many as I can.

Right now, I'm dealing with the side effects of chemotherapy. Please understand if I don't answer. This is all new to me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR PRAYING FOR ME!!!
I treasure your prayers and your comments.

If you have a question, be sure I can reach you by email or subscribe to the comments.

Be blessed!
Laura