Out of Control

Happy Fall,

I'm choosing to be happy in spite of breast cancer and difficult circumstances! You can choose to be happy, too! Grab all the joy you can from the season!

I have a Doxie mix. Mama was Dachshund, papa was a ramblin' man.
She's got the Doxie attitude though. She's been a little rascal to train.
Who am I kidding? We didn't train her, she trained us! We've just come to
an understanding. ~grin~

She's three now. When she was six months old, the only reason I kept her is because I knew someone would tie her up to a tree and leave her there. This mama's heart couldn't let that happen. So we kept her.

We finally began to bond over vegetables. I gave her some little pieces of veggies one day while cutting up a salad. She loves veggies, and she's come to love me...sort of...while I'm cutting up veggies or deboning chicken. ~smile~  After all this time, I enjoy her company. While she's not really an affectionate dog, she does show "love" in her own ways. She's not the cake I wanted, but she's a good cake. Thanks Sonya for that phrase. ~smile~

It kind of reminds me of the people in our lives. We imagine what we think our husband, our children and our friends will be like. We try to plan out our futures. We try to control everything and everyone to make them conform to our hopes, dreams, and plans. The problem is, each person has their own personality, their own hopes, dreams and plans. And they're probably not our hopes, dreams, and plans. Everyone wants to be in control. That doesn't work so well.

Nothing in this cancer journey has been what I imagined what it would be like. It's been easier in some ways; it's been harder in some ways. I've been surprised at some of the people who have prayed, encouraged, and helped me; and, I've been surprised at some of the people that I thought would help me through who seem to have checked out for whatever reason. It's all made me feel so blessed and so sad by turns.

One thing I'm learning is that I really don't have as much control as I once thought I did. I had one date in October that I did not want to have surgery. That's the date the surgeon scheduled for me. My surgery is the 20th. My daughter, Emily, will perform in public for the first time the next day at the Maple Leaf Festival. I'll still be in the hospital. That made me cry for awhile on the way home from the doctor's office.

I don't control my times for appointments, surgery, IV infusions, or radiation. I cannot control my family's behavior. Sometimes I feel like I can't even control my own behavior! But God. He's teaching me through this. What? I'm not totally sure yet, but I think trust is one thing. I have to learn to trust Him to take care of me when I cannot take care of myself. I have to trust that He will bring the right people to help me at the right times. It's hard.

As moms, we have to control so much, especially when are kids are young. Now I'm learning how to be out of control, and I'm not liking it one bit. ~smile~ The song Learning to Lean on Jesus just came to mind.

I'll leave you for now with a request that you will pray for all the people involved in my surgery on the 20th and my hospital stay. You've all been so good to pray for me through all this. I receive so many encouraging comments and notes.

May God bless you richly as you draw close to Him!

Laura